Breast is best. That's the motto drilled into all expectant mothers by health professionals, midwives and the teachers at their antenatal classes. It is the perfect food for this beautiful new life that you have strived and strained to bring into the world. Not only is it rich in nutrition, it also provides antibodies to kick-start the little one's immune system and of course promotes bonding between mother and infant.
But no one ever tells you just how hard breastfeeding actually is. Unlike lower mammals such as cats and dogs, nursing and breastfeeding are not innate and instinctive. It is something both mother and baby have to learn together. And sometimes, something just doesn't click on either end and leads to a huge morass of problems.
When my daughter was first born, I brought her to my breast and allowed her to suckle. Because she is my first child, I could not tell you if her latch was good or if it was a good quality feed. All I know is that she sucked and sucked and eventually fell asleep. I then handed her to her daddy for cuddles so I could get cleaned up.
It was only when I got to the maternity ward and she wanted her next feed that I figured out that something wasn't quite right. She wasn't latching well and I was beginning to experience pain. A nurse tried to help me get her to latch - didn't work. A lactation consultant was called in - all she did was show me a poster on correct latching technique - like I hadn't seen the exact same thing in my antenatal class. Things just got worse and eventually I wound up hand-expressing my colostrum into a small plastic cup before going onto a pump to ensure my supply stayed up. When it came to feeding time, I used a syringe.
Cue a huge meltdown in hospital because breastfeeding is so heavily emphasized that to a new mother it becomes synonymous with your success (or failure) as a mother. Or at least that's how it felt to me in my own head. Most of the nurses were wonderfully supportive and told me that things would probably improve once I got home and once my actual milk came in to push out my flat nipples. But due to fatigue and hormones, I just felt awful and spent three or four hours in tears.
Things didn't improve at home. Despite my best efforts, latching was still hard and when she DID latch, I was in pain.
And then at her 2-week check it was discovered that my daughter had lost 15% of her birth weight instead of putting weight on. She was pink and healthy though which meant she was only just getting enough milk to sustain her and keep her hydrated. Cue another meltdown at this implied failure at being a mum. Another lactation consultant was brought in and she diagnosed a tongue-tie as the problem with my daughter's latch. Her tongue was so tightly attached to the floor of her mouth that she couldn't stick her tongue out past her lips. Fortunately we were able to have it clipped that same day and while I noticed an immediate improvement in her latch, the damage to my nipples was extensive - they were both cracked and bleeding. In order to heal them, I had to feed my daughter on the least-worst side and pump the other side, applying lanolin to them after each feed.
I was optimistic and thought that things would improve from there. My daughter was finally gaining weight and seemed to be happier overall.
But then things took a really big backward step. At her 6 week check it was found that she wasn't losing weight, but neither was she gaining. And she wasn't sleeping. She would feed at the breast and fall asleep and then I'd put her down to sleep and 10-20 minutes later she would be awake again and screaming for more food.
Emotionally I was at the end of my rope. I had no time for myself, was barely eating and at that point I couldn't even remember the last time I had showered, let alone washed my hair. Simply because I no longer had the time to do those things as my baby was simply taking up every second of my time.
It was at this point that my midwife suggested I supplement with formula. After yet another crying jag at my failure, I tearfully agreed to let my husband go out and get a tin of formula. Upon his return we made up a bottle according to the instructions and feeding guide and gave it to her. She had no problems taking the bottle and gulped it down like she was starving. She finished the entire bottle, burped, and then went to sleep. For 3 whole hours. Because she finally had a full belly and felt sated and content. And I got to go and soak in my bathtub. The first bath I'd had since she'd been born.
It was at this point I realized that even though 'Breast is Best', if it just wasn't working, then what was the point of putting myself through all that emotional agony and heartache? Furthermore, if I continued the way I was, I would actually be doing my daughter more harm than good. Because clearly something just wasn't working in our breastfeeding relationship and she wasn't getting what she needed. And if I continued this struggle, she wouldn't be able to grow, and she really would fail to thrive.
So despite even the tin of formula telling me that breast milk is the ideal food, I have finally managed to make peace with myself. I am not a failure as a mum. Because now my daughter is getting what she needs. She is putting on weight and is a happy and social baby who loves to smile at people. She is right on the cusp of learning to roll over and has recently started sleeping through the night (with the exception of last night lol). Formula hasn't done her any harm and she still breastfeeds a couple of times per day to help her settle before a nap. I'm also still pumping and expressing milk in order to freeze it. When she starts solid foods in a few months, I'll be able to use this saved milk to make baby rice and baby custard so she is still getting all the benefits of my milk.
I have not failed. I have redefined what success is.
And when I see my baby smile, I consider that my success.
No comments:
Post a Comment