Let It Go

Let's face it.  Let It Go is probably the most annoying song currently in existence.  It's been copied, parodied and just straight played to hell and back.  If you haven't heard of it, consider yourself lucky.

Having said that though, despite mothers (and fathers) everywhere wanting to resurrect Disney and kill him again for his company unleashing this upon the world, it's actually a pretty good song.  Listen to it.  It's all about taking everything bad that's happened in the past, all the attitudes that one could consider 'toxic' "Don't let them in, don't let them see," (cos hey, repression ALWAYS works...not) and just, slamming the door on them.

Ok yeah I know, easier said than done.  Whether we like it or not, our pasts are an intimate part of who we are.  It's what's helped shape us, what's brought us to whatever point we're at in our lives.  And that's all well and good, but lately I've come to realize that there are parts of my past that I really really need to let go of.  Because instead of shaping me, instead of pushing me forward, they're trying to trap me in the same old cycle, keep me locked in the old status quo.

I'm looking at you, Inner Voice.

You know who you are.  You've been a constant companion of mine since my teenage years, helping me to steer clear of danger and stay on the responsible, respectable path (with a few minor exceptions in the few times I ignored you).  You're the champion worrier who keeps me in line by envisioning the worst case scenarios in graphic detail, for every possible outcome.  You're the one who convinces me that things are too hard and why don't I go do something easier instead? Like playing a game.  You're the one who whispers dark thoughts in my mind about how I'm selfish for wanting time to myself.

And it just has to stop.

Enough is enough.  I am not that girl any more.  Yeah sure, some parts of her are still here and probably always will be (the night-owl tendencies, the vivid imagination and love of anime spring to mind here).  But I'm a grown woman now with a child of my own.  How can I raise her without rigid expectations if I cannot escape the ones that seem to have wound themselves around my life and even now stifle and choke my ambition with fear.  Fear of failure, fear that I just won't be good enough.

It's time to let you go.  Consider this your final eviction notice.

Cos you know what? Yeah, sometimes things aren't easy.  And hey, I can't be perfect all the time, who can? And yeah, sometimes I am going to fail, and it is going to suck.  But I can't grow as person with you constantly looming over my shoulder and whispering in my ear.  Because each failure is a learning opportunity to figure out how to do things better.  Perfection is overrated and to be completely honest, totally unachievable because honestly? What the hell IS perfect? And adversity builds character.

My husband gave me a quote tonight which I felt was rather apt:

"What's the difference between a master and a beginner? The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried."

It's time for me to become the master of my own life.  It's time for me to shut you out, slam the door on your nay-saying and start damn trying.  And if fail? Well I'll deal with that when the time comes.

It's time for me to let go.  I don't know where this path will take me, but if I don't take that first step I'll never have the chance to find out. 

So leave me alone.  I've got a novel to write for Nanowrimo and I'm already a week behind.

"It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all
Up here in the cold thin air I finally can breathe
I know I left a life behind but I'm too relieved to grieve."